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Fathers-To-Be Book Reviews and Articles |
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What about Men at Birth? by Elmer Postle An article which provides an overview of the cultural, social and educational perspectives of father's presence at the birth of their children.
Book Reviews Elmer reviewed the following 2 books for AIMS, Association for Improvements in the Maternity Services in the UK.
Men At Birth edited by David Vernon The moments men discuss the birth of their child is often brief, left to a brotherly, perhaps internal sense of awe and often a preference not to go down that road verbally.
Is There a Father in the House? by James Torr For the father of a toddler, the effect of James Torr’s book, 'Is There a Father in the House?', is to bless the presence of the father in the home. This territory, who looks after the children and the issues surrounding men’s involvement, Torr explores in his rewarding book. A personal angle: about 20% of the time I am at home looking after my son during the day while my partner Nicola, works. I find the background pressure of needing to bring in income, as a freelance worker, can mean there is pressure I put on my being with my son. Probably, some of this is real and, I think, some is imagined. I can sometimes find myself in such fear of not having enough income that I am not 'present' emotionally as I look after my son. I might find I am behaving in a perfunctory way, looking past the (divine) present to when I can get on with something 'more important', My Work. And, of course, this means I am not receiving the gift of my son’s presence, nor of my own fatherhood as if this isn't My Work also! A common enough perspective, I suspect, and one that James Torr with his book has created more space around, and an alternative vision for. He has made a small clearing where we can pitch a tent of 'involved father' more firmly and more satisfyingly. His journey from city solicitor to 'daddy at home', strongly involved in parent-toddler groups, while his wife/partner is the key breadwinner is a courageous one. He has put himself into the cross currents of politics surrounding childcare and through doing so has elicited much fascinating information. This decision also gives him a unique vantage point to observe the process of how childcare is managed. His central thrust and interest has to do with the opportunity pregnancy and the time of birth offers for men's deeper involvement in the family. Torr points out the interesting fact that most men want to be present at the birth of their child. He therefore sees this as a time, which he supports with the available evidence, when there is an opportunity for bonding. This interest, growing over the last 20-30 years, he suggests, is a golden opportunity for the agencies that work with men to make the most of improving father/child relationships and therefore society. The case for 'why' this is important was not made so strongly, however. What you feel is that he is pointing towards the moment of birth as the time where there is potential for evolution in the way men are fathering and therefore how parenting is done. It is interesting in this context to refer to Lloyd DeMause, author of 'The Foundations of Psychohistory' and the 'History of Childhood' among other books. DeMause says that parenting is evolving with each generation and actually our parenting has radically improved over the centuries. It used to be normal for infants to be exposed to the elements to die, in Greek and Roman times if they were inconvenient or supposed to be 'an offering to the gods'. It used to be usual for beating of children and sexual abuse within the family to be tolerated in society as a whole. What DeMause points out is that this evolution is based on parents becoming a little bit more aware than their parents before them, deciding, however subtly, that they are going to 'do it differently' than the way their parents brought them up. Whether to smack your child or not is the current edge of parenting evolution, its possible to argue, with DeMause and others insisting smacking internalises rage in the child with long term consequences. Some people carry on as their parents did before, others step into the new and decide something else; improvements take place over the generations. Sometimes things slip back and the 'snakes and ladders' counter slides down the snake to the bottom of the board and we have to start over, but/and there is incremental progress overall. Whether you agree that its evolution or just an ongoing mess (and is there a difference?), Torr's observations about men and the moment of birth suggest he's seeing the point where an evolution in parenting DeMause talks about is taking place and is most visible. How men want to be at birth, are they involved or not, are they more there than ever, what does it mean? The questions he raises and the information he elicits are particularly useful when it comes to trying to persuade people in organisations to think differently or at least know there is another way of thinking about the beginnings of fatherhood. He offers practical thought provoking checklists to help ensure men’s involvement. To sum up, it seems that Torr is talking about two things. Firstly a phenomenon; the evolution of men’s involvement in the family, starting with birth and secondly (at the same time), he describes, as Kazanstakis said, 'the 'whole catastrophe' of how we do it as families, men and women at this time, and it is rich in that. The book is a blessing, by a man, of men’s involvement in parenting. |